Straddling the Divide of Middle Sobriety

Sometimes progress is the enemy. Sometimes we gain some comfort from the strides we’ve made, but that comfort only serves to make the unexpected all that more jolting. Sometimes, our efforts leave us in dangerous middle ground — not yet strong enough to claim victory, but not weak enough to feel helpless and hopeless. That middle ground can be the most dangerous place of all.

I had settled nicely into my new routine. When the witching hour struck ever evening, I’d plop into my comfy chair with only the light of a single dim reading lamp, and I’d read for an hour or so. My new nightly pattern took the edge off. If I could just get wrapped up in the story, I’d forget my desire for a drink, and I’d nestle into a connected, soothing feeling. Another day without a drink. It felt awfully good.

But then I’d have an unavoidable social engagement. Going in, I’d feel 90% confident with just a sliver of anxiety. But then standing there, holding my soda water with a lime, I’d just want to disappear into the bathroom and stay there until everyone else was gone. Where did I get the nerve to feel confident in sobriety? I was still the social pariah, and faking it until I made it wasn’t easing my shame from being the only person in the room too broken to drink.

I spend a lot of time helping people through early sobriety. For me, now…