The Stages of Alcoholism: From 3rd Butt Cheek to Manicured Eyebrows

Where did that come from? In my life that features so many memories lost to blackout drinking, that’s a pondering I’ll never forget. That question dominated my brain on several occasions in my late teenage years when I was experimenting with alcohol.

It happened once the morning after a huge drunken fight I had with my high school girlfriend at a party on full display in front of probably a hundred friends. It happened another time after I took a swing at my best friend after drinking together for many hours. Thankfully, I was drunk enough to miss, but I’ve never been in a fist-fight in my life, so it was beyond surprising when I was putting the pieces of the puzzle back together the next day.

In fact, had I woken up after either of those instances having grown a third butt cheek I would have been less surprised than I was to learn of my aggressive and abhorrent drunken behavior.

That was the first stage of my alcoholism. I had not yet crossed the invisible line that separates eager drinkers from those of us with addictions, but I sure was working hard to learn the part of an alcoholic. I’ve said it a million times — alcoholism is a progressive disease…